Goblin Heroes

Becoming Heroes.
A blog for your campaign

The Brave and Mighty Raid on Dryditch Farm!

A cluster of goblin whelps chosen by Gharzdag the Brute were brought before the Great and Mighty King of All Goblins, Fuzzbug the Flatulent. Fuzzbug sent the goblin whelps to raid the Dryditch Farm. The goblins made a four-pronged attack on the farm, attacking simultaneously the farmhouse, the barn, the sheep yard and the chicken coop.

The goblins who attacked the chicken coop were the most successful. Using a magic bag of holding (chickens) the psychopathic and ravening goblin whelps bit, stomped and grabbed chickens. The goblins began to hit each other with chickens. The feathers flew, the chicken poop hit everything moving. It was noisome and filthy. One of the goblins managed to find a backpack, just the perfect size for a goblin, with the image of a cute little kitten on it. The goblins had a great time. Upon arrival at the Mighty Den of Ubiquitous Stench, the chickens were devoured raw by the females of the tribe, who were waiting at the door. The female goblins then yoinked the handsomest of the goblins into their harem. The goblin emerged from the harem hours later in a state of near exhaustion, but with a bilious and sloppy smile on his face. When he saw his two companions, he went thoroughly psychopathic and ate them. Of course he took their stuff. He later discovered that the women of the tribe had given him a magic familiar, a most fearsome mount.

The goblins that attacked the barn had the most trouble. After unsuccessfully trying to get a cow to leave with them, they managed to beat the cow to death and drag it off, using a great goblin chant of strength to coordinate their yanks on the poor dead cow’s limbs. All efforts to actually try to get on the horse are better off left untold. Upon arrival back at the Mighty Goblin Den of Ubiquitous Stench, one of the goblins use his Pouch of Spices to add some flavor to the cow. The cow was so magnificently prepared and eaten with such joy and delight, that Fuzzbug the Flatulent instantly killed and ate the previous official cook, and promoted the new cook to the Position of Royal Cook. The newly promoted cook managed to get his two goblin friends jobs in the kitchen in exchange for all their worldly goods.

The goblins that attacked the yard were extremely insightful, at least for goblins. They managed to bite and punch one sheep into unconsciousness before they were rudely interrupted by some drunk human staggering his way to the outhouse. When they all leapt on the human, some of the goblins went into a feeding frenzy and started trying to eat its face on its way down to the ground. When a strumpet entered the fray, the goblins didn’t even have time to notice its female-voluptuousness before the also ate her face. Some of the goblins were able to make off with a living sheep, which the Great and Mighty Fuzzbug killed and ate whole with mint jelly.

The last group of terrible and frightening goblins went into a rage and attacked the farmhouse. One goblin, after attempting to stick his head through some loose boards, managed to get brained by a couple of farmers wielding pruning hooks. Upon reconsidering his strategy and making for the back door, his companion stuck his head through the boards where it got stuck. His friends began to call him Obama-Ears. Two of the goblins managed to enter into the farmhouse through a door and started biting fingers madly. After uttering a singularly bloodthirsty threat, which was translated into the human language through the agency of a ring of human speech, the goblins fell upon the stunned humans and made easy prey of them. They took over a dozen fingers, attempted to have congress with a wench, and dispatch with great abandon two farmers, a housefrau, a wench and a screaming human whelp. The fact that these humans were half-starved and puny made no difference. The brave and mighty goblins were merciless and ferocious. One goblin found a bottle of something strange and immediately quaffed the magic brew. He instantly grew twice his size. Unfortunately, his greasy and disgustingly insufficient loincloth was now useless. After dispatching the humans, the three farmhouse goblins looted the bodies and discovered some gold. They brought home the severed fingers, which made a nice snack for the great and mighty Fuzzbug the Flatulent. Fuzzbug immediately gave the the unusually large and disgustingly nekked goblin the privilege of eating his companions and looting their dead corpses.

Defending the Warren

King Fuzzbug is Dead! Long Live King Jim Nazium!

Three vile and noisome adventurers invaded the sacred sanctum of the goblins. They were met by an elite squad of goblins. Nox Shuz Fumes, Wagner Sax and three nameless goblin peons dispatched a Dwarven warrior, a human mage and a halfling infiltrator with only insignificant losses. After the battle, the Official State Cook, Wagner Sax prepared a fine feast. The King had a fine gorge on Wagner Sax’s signature dish, a piquant plate of Dwarf Dumplings. Immediately after finishing the fabulous dish, the Great and Dread Fuzzbug the Flatulent retched himself to death, which is, of course, a natural death for Goblin Kings.

The goblin lieutenant, Ghrazdag the Gargantuan made an ill-advised accusation against Nox Fumes, who had been talking in hushed tones with the Great and Mighty Fuzzbug. Nox stuck his thick and fierce nose-picking finger into Ghrazdag’s face and pointed out, quite rightly, that Ghrazdag had the most to gain from the King’s untimely end.

The gobstop of goblins in attendance at the feast, enjoying their halfling surprise, dead goblin delight and hapless human ham sandwiches, were outrage at the accusation against the brave and undeniably large Nox Shus Fumes. The mob voted in usual fashion to depose Ghrazdag by leaping on him and biting him to death, although the killing blow that sent Ghrazdag to meet Maglubiyet was surely delivered by Nox’s dagger blow to the face. Serves the bugger right.

After the carnage was licked up by the noble goblin guests, a quick evaluation led the room to notice that they were without leadership. Nox and Wagner’s suggestion that the lowly cook, Jim Nazium, should be immediately elevated to the proud and cushiony goblin throne, was met with wild cheers and raccous cries of “More Ale!” Ah, yes. Goblin Ale. Stay thirsty, my friend. It’s probably safer than drinking the ale.

The newly promoted King of All the Goblins, King Nazium, promoted Sax to Royal Celebrator Extreme, and the mighty Nox to the position of Royal Toady at Large. These are the two traditional ranks reserved for the greatest of Goblin Heroes, and those worthy advisers to the king.

Long Live King Nazium! Long Live the Mighty Goblins!
Disease and Dragons

The Elves and the Dwarves at War, and Beating Up a Sick Dragon

Tox discovered a lone scout returning to the Warren from his foray into the wilds. The scout informed him that there was a mysterious plume of smoke in the distance, and something that smelled rather delicious. Piquing the curiosity of the daring and intrepid adventuring goblins, Tox and Nox, Wagner Sax and Clot went forward to investigate.

What they discovered was a battlefield littered with dwarves and elves who had done their best to dismember each other with great enthusiasm. Wagner immediately began eating an elf, claiming that it tasted like chicken. Nox, being far more circumspect, investigate a burned-out hovel. Any claims that he was hiding from the sound of approaching leathery wings is surely slanderous. Wagner, using his incredible hiding skills practically disappeared! And then a dragon dropped from the sky.

It was a diseased and pathetic creature, but that didn’t stop our brave adventurers who threw themselves on the mucous-soaked and mangy creature with vicious delight. Wagnerdrew first blood with the precision throw of a deadly shuriken which penetrated the dragon’s eye. But his throw so over-balanced him that he fell onto a dwarf. When he levered himself up, he discovered a scroll. Nox magically forced the creature to the ground after it tried to fly. Tox’s hypnosis dazed the creature, and Clot’s fierce masochism cut furrows into the creature’s diseased hide. The dragon sneezed a furious breath attack that covered Wagner, Tox and Clot in a cloud of sputum. The horrifyingly diseased phlegm knocked Clot into unconsciousness. Wagner dispatched the vile dragon with a killing blow. When the brave heroes wiped off the snot, they discovered that the vile ichor had discolored their skin.

After the battle, the boys looted bodies and discovered very little of value. Wagner gave his scroll to Tox to read. When Tox went to read the scroll, e fell dead after crying out about a pain in his back. Wagner tried to tell Nox that it must have been a cursed killing scroll, but Nox took the scroll anyway. It turned out to be a poorly written scroll of Raise Dead. When Nox used the scroll to resurrect Tox, Tox was indeed healed. But the goblin game bad twisted and evil. Or at least more twisted and evil than he was before. The scroll did not precisely raise dead. It raised Tox as an undead zombie.

The boys also discovered a few items of treasure which they traded amongst themselves. Nox scavenged a small chest with lock and key, as well as some general magical ingredients from the dragon. Tox received a bone from the wing of the dragon which Vorka, the tribe’s shaman, was able to turn into a magic staff of great power. The goblin Paladin sauntered into the scene and scooped up a deed to a wooden building in the city of Aleford, wherever that may be. Clot was able to fashion a dragon tooth into a serrated short sword. Wagner received a hand crossbow with 20 bolts. After bringing the loot and the wounded back to the warren, the goblins tried to return to the battlefield, but found dwarves and elves collecting their dead for burial.

You Don't Get to Scavenge Our Lands

Welcome to Goblin Territory. Prepare for a Colonoscopy.

Scouts reported a small band of Orcs ranging near the warren. Upon investigating the area, our adventurers discovered three Orcs who were aimlessly wandering around and looking for anything interesting. Wagner Sax used his stealthy skill and snuck up right behind two of them. He made like a teppan Chef and sliced and diced. Nox ran into range and began to throw dark shadowy spells at the two Orcs that Wagner had sliced, who both went down like the sacks of dung they were. Clot sliced dire furrows into his own flesh, cleaving an Orc with sorcerous magics.

At that point, one of Wagner’s assistants in the kitchen, Warp, woke up from a nap, stood up and attempted to bite an orc. Although it was a feeble attempt, at least he tried. Out of nowhere, a feathered stick grew out of Nox’s shoulder. The arrow barely penetrated his clothing. Aegis charged into the fray and performed the first impromptu and completely involuntary colonoscopy of the day with his spear. The orcs regrouped, swung their scimitars wildly and managed to carve up Aegis and Wagner, but Warp was decapitated and disemboweled with a single swing.

Wagner continued with his flurry of exquisite stabs and slices, taking the orcs apart like a butcher, showing his usual culinary skills. Clot and Aegis ganged up on a single orc, and this time a feathered stick grew out of Wagner’s back.

After slaying one both of the orcs that he had engaged, Wagner ran over and stole the kill from Clot and Aegis, who had taken turns beating on a single orc until it was all but dead. But it was Nox who found the hidden orc archer and pinned him to the ground with dread magicks. Wh Clot and Aegis move on and started wailing away on this hapless archer, he went down easily. It was Nox’s lancing magic missile that finally ended the Orc’s time on this terrestrial plane.

Nox found a lovely recipe for a ritual. And after the guys eviscerated a few of the orcs, he was able to collect a small amount of magical material for his rituals. Wagner found a deck of cards that were quite interesting.

After they had settled down from the adrenalin rush, the boys dismembered the orcs and used the assorted body parts to spell out a warning to the next group of orcs to venture in this direction. Let us hope that this message has the intended intimidating effect.

Scoobies Find a Mystery

Finders-Keepers, Losers Die.

While wandering about the countryside looking for any weak and defenseless prey, our brave Goblin Heroes hear the approaching sound of hoof-beats. Wagner disappears into the shadows and the rest prepare for the approach of a dreaded horse. A human rider trotted slowly down the road, seemingly from the direction of the warren, unaware of the gang of vicious eating-machines ready to take him down. Wagner and Clot attacked the rider, afraid of that unnatural and terrible beast, the horse. Nox, from a nice and safe distance, used his dread dark arts to blast flaming rage at the unnatural beast. The horse was turned into a medium-rare steak with hooves. Wagner had to beat out his flaming clothes. Aegis calmly walked up to the human and tried to bluff him into giving up some information, to no avail. Tox, in splendid Goblin fashion, came out of nowhere and began to tear out chunks of horse flesh and stuff the greasy meat into his very large mouth. The human struggled to his feet and swung his sword weakly, but accomplished little. Wagner, seeing a figure on the other side of the horse, threw a shuriken at the target. Tox, on the receiving end of these unwarranted attentions, attempted to deflect the shuriken with the leg-of-horse-he was chomping on, but only managed to slide his head into just the right position to have the shuriken bury itself into his forehead. Madly swinging the horse leg about, he accidentally drove the shruiken in deeper. Nox cast a mystic bolt of energy at the stumbling human, who perished in a gout of clue fire.

Searching the human’s saddle bag revealed a not written in nearly illegible goblin writing. Apparently, a spy has been feeding information to the humans. It also revealed that the spy had found a mysterious door. At this point, the zombie Tox attempted to cast a freezing spell upon Wagner, even though Wagner protested his innocence. Unfortunately, his aim was slightly disturbed by the shuriken sticking out between his eyes. The bolt went straight up and then down, hitting Tox, himself. Nox attempted to defuse the situation by magically startling Tox into running on the slippery ice. Wagner, trying to help poor Tox, fell onto the ice slick. Tox passed out in exhaustion. Wagner volunteered to carry Tox back to the warren, but somehow accidentally breaks off Tox’s head.

Back at the Warren, the brave Goblin Heroes find the door, a strange, large, metal door with curious diamond-shaped recessed space. Nox, discerned that this must be the way to open the door. Nox attempted to break a rock into the required shape, but it fit poorly and was unable to open the door. The others, searching the treasure piles nearby, discovered three ancient pieces of stone that, when fit together, might do the trick. Any attempt to glue the pieces together failed. Aegis was sure that there must have been a way to solve the dilemma and suggested that perhaps Nox had a ritual to repair what was broken. Nox searched his book of ritual, but found only a newly discovered ritual to create holes. As he scratched his head, Aegis suggested that the ritual actually made things whole. The light of discovery that beamed from Nox practically blinded Wagner. Spreading residuum on the broken pieces of stone and chanting horrible syllables of terrible arcane mysteries, Nox watched as the residuum glowed brightly and fused the rock together. The stone key fit into the door easily and the door opened soundlessly on perfect hinges.

Clot and Wagner attacked a lurking ochre jelly in the corridor. A gang of goblin minions charged into the room and threw themselves on the jelly, gouging and biting into its gooey flesh with relish. Aegis marched forward and smashed the jelly into bits, but the bits reformed into another jelly. Now facing two jellies, which launched their slamming attacks at the minions, Nox threw burning flames at the creatures, which crisped in reaction to the flames. Nox walked up to them and drew out a mystic bottle from the goo. He opened the green bottle, sniffed the refreshing potion within and chugged the brew, chortling the while. He felt the rush of energy and health and laughed.

At the end of the corridor, Wagner found a locked door. He deftly picked the lock. As he was about to open the door, Aegis shouted a warning. Wagner stepped back just in time. He saw the trap just in time. It was a brutal trap that would clamp sharp metal teeth around the hand of the person who opened the door, chopping the hand off the arm. Clot bravely stepped forward and disarmed the trap.

First through the door, Wagner saw the glint of shiny treasure and hopped forward across the chamber, not noticing the two skeletons rising from a pile of debris. Wagner stubbled at the last moment and fell onto a runed tile. Nothing happened. The goblin minions attacked the skeleton and began gnawing on its shin bones. The skeleton swung his sword and managed to hit one of the goblins soundly, knocking it off. Aegis ran forward and challenged the flaming skeleton to battle. His spear struck bits off the blazing skeleton. Nox cast a spell of fear upon the skeleton warrior and forced the undead creature to run into a croner where it chattered its teeth in terror. The blazing skeleton threw a gout of flame at Aegis, but it went wide. Wagner pulled away from the runed floor and threw a shuriken at the blazing skeleton. The goblins relaunched their attack and began to pull the skeleton apart, bone by bone. Aegis struck the blazing skeleton with his spear and shattered an arm bone. Nox cast a magic missile and the last pieces of the warrior skeleton fell apart. One of the goblin minions grabbed the skeleton’s spine and leaped about shaking it over his head in victory. Aegis whacked at the blazing skeleton and knocked its head off its shoulders and across the room.

After the fight, the brave Goblin Heroes noticed that two of the goblin minions who had joined the fight lay dead in each other’s arms. The remaining goblin minion set his newly acquired dwarven spine upon the ground and wept bitter tears as he ate his two goblin friends. Nox studied the runes on the floor and stepped onto one of them. Immediately, blue lightning arced and laced about his form. When he stepped onto the next rune, the strands of lightning ripped bloody streaks of his flesh from his body. And blue lightning lanced upwards from the new rune. Nox stepped onto a different rune, but this time back in the direction from which he had come. The strands of energy ripped his flesh. When he finally stepped back into the chamber,Nox fell unconscious and bleeding from numerous wounds about his body.

Aegis helped Nox recover with magic incantations. Nox told everyone about the runes, and Wagner suggested that they begin with the rune he had accidentally stepped on, since it had not attacked him. Wagner studied the runes and realized that they spelled out a phrase if one stepped from one tile to the next correct tile. The group followed Wagner through the trapped room into the chamber of treasures. there was a huge metal door on one side, a vault door with a seriously intricate lock. Fortunately, the vault was not locked from this side, so exploration further into the ruins would not be hampered. After searching the room, the brave Goblin Heroes retreated back to the warren for rest and recuperation.

Scoobies Solve a Mystery

the brave goblin heroes search the dwarven fortress. They discovered several rooms which showed such antiquity that only the dusty ghosts of objects remained. Of course, when Wagner suggested that Nox look through a peephole, the spike trap that almost put out his eye convinced them all that it might be better to be cautious around these dwarven ruins. Mister Fluffy avoided a vile vial of elemental acid falling on the floor when he kicked open a door. Room after room showed almost no activity of any kind in millennia. Mister Fluffy proceeded to search the bottom of a latrine and found a pile of ancient manure. Which he promptly tried to eat. Wagner discovered a silver mirror which was encrusted with grime. Nox and Mister Fluffy tried to use fire and ice to open a heavy gate, to no avail. Finally, at the very edge of frustration, Clot and Nox managed to open a secret door by knocking on the steel plate at the same time.

The chamber was like a sauna, it was so humid. Four decrepit dwarves, aged perhaps two thousand years at least, but still alive, moved to defend the room. Nox took out two of the Dwarves with magic missiles, while Wagner, Clot and Aegis teamed up and took out the other two. In this chamber, they discovered two enchanted forges and two magic fonts of water. One of the fonts produces a brackish liquid that puts out any fire. The other font produces a clear and vital water that will keep anyone from dying of old age. The dwarves showed the effect of drinking that water for thousands of years.

Working together, the brave goblin heroes managed to hoist the gate up, and were promptly attacked by vicious blood drakes and terrible giant beetles. After dispatching these four creatures, they discovered rotating statues which control the gate. They have opened up vital living areas for the goblin horde. They have discovered rubble-blocked stairs leading to the surface and to other parts of the fortress. They have discovered a bottomless pit, into which they threw Wagner Sax. They discovered pools of water which they did not explore.

Dwarves Want Their Mine Back

And Get What They Deserve.

The heroes and the mighty goblin cutters took out a phalanx of Dwarves led by a finely dressed embassador and his motley crew. They waited in cover and then ambushed the suckers at the first opportunity. It was a glorious moment of perfidy and deception. The dwarves made a fine feast for the goblin hordes back in the warren, and their belongings were added to the piles of loot the goblin heroes have been accumulating.

Sneaky Little Hobbitses

Halflings Try to Steal What Isn’t Nailed Down.
h3. And Get Nailed to the Floor.

Five intrepid and stupid halfling thieves evaded our cordon of scouts, spies and counter-intelligence agents to infiltrate our warren. The brave goblin heroes scoured the warren for every sign of skullduggery and not only discovered four of the halflings, but turned them into whelp food. While one managed to get away, he will, no doubt, explain to the other thieving runts that we are not to be messed with. Nox conversed for a long while with the corpses and discovered that the halfling village has a population of somewhere near 600. Minus four.

Why Can't We Be Friends
Humans Just Want to Be Friends

After several days of creatively and delightfully torturing Morbid Hammerdong, squeezing him like a sponge to drain him of all his information, the Brave Goblin Heroes discover that the humans spying on us have just been trying to discover if we were worth trading with.

Against our natural inclinations we have decided to open up negotiations with the humans. Meeting with a delegation from the town of Elm Hollow, Nox and Bif agreed to welcome a human caravan. Several ideas, including rat traps, rat catchers and general slavery have been floated as ways to generate income.

The Orc's Are Terrible Neighbors

Orc’s Back on the Menu, Boys!

The brave goblin heroes decided to handle a mealy-mouthed raiding party of orcs by without waking up the warren. Nox called up a whole bunch of undead creatures to do his bidding from a tiny graveyard. Bif and his whelps hid in the woods until someone came close enough and then ran out and bit him. But it was brave Aegis of the mighty arm that wallowed into the fray and took blow after blow from the graceless pig-trolls. After wounding and nearly slaying a bear, Bif pulled out his charm and turned the bear’s training to his own purposes. The bear, after being severely mistreated by the orcs, responded well to being mistreated by us. One by one the miscreants fell. After the skirmish, Nox questioned the dead bodies and discovered a great deal of important information. Also, a pile of loot kept falling out of their pockets.


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