The Brave and Mighty Raid on Dryditch Farm!
A cluster of goblin whelps chosen by Gharzdag the Brute were brought before the Great and Mighty King of All Goblins, Fuzzbug the Flatulent. Fuzzbug sent the goblin whelps to raid the Dryditch Farm. The goblins made a four-pronged attack on the farm, attacking simultaneously the farmhouse, the barn, the sheep yard and the chicken coop.
The goblins who attacked the chicken coop were the most successful. Using a magic bag of holding (chickens) the psychopathic and ravening goblin whelps bit, stomped and grabbed chickens. The goblins began to hit each other with chickens. The feathers flew, the chicken poop hit everything moving. It was noisome and filthy. One of the goblins managed to find a backpack, just the perfect size for a goblin, with the image of a cute little kitten on it. The goblins had a great time. Upon arrival at the Mighty Den of Ubiquitous Stench, the chickens were devoured raw by the females of the tribe, who were waiting at the door. The female goblins then yoinked the handsomest of the goblins into their harem. The goblin emerged from the harem hours later in a state of near exhaustion, but with a bilious and sloppy smile on his face. When he saw his two companions, he went thoroughly psychopathic and ate them. Of course he took their stuff. He later discovered that the women of the tribe had given him a magic familiar, a most fearsome mount.
The goblins that attacked the barn had the most trouble. After unsuccessfully trying to get a cow to leave with them, they managed to beat the cow to death and drag it off, using a great goblin chant of strength to coordinate their yanks on the poor dead cow’s limbs. All efforts to actually try to get on the horse are better off left untold. Upon arrival back at the Mighty Goblin Den of Ubiquitous Stench, one of the goblins use his Pouch of Spices to add some flavor to the cow. The cow was so magnificently prepared and eaten with such joy and delight, that Fuzzbug the Flatulent instantly killed and ate the previous official cook, and promoted the new cook to the Position of Royal Cook. The newly promoted cook managed to get his two goblin friends jobs in the kitchen in exchange for all their worldly goods.
The goblins that attacked the yard were extremely insightful, at least for goblins. They managed to bite and punch one sheep into unconsciousness before they were rudely interrupted by some drunk human staggering his way to the outhouse. When they all leapt on the human, some of the goblins went into a feeding frenzy and started trying to eat its face on its way down to the ground. When a strumpet entered the fray, the goblins didn’t even have time to notice its female-voluptuousness before the also ate her face. Some of the goblins were able to make off with a living sheep, which the Great and Mighty Fuzzbug killed and ate whole with mint jelly.
The last group of terrible and frightening goblins went into a rage and attacked the farmhouse. One goblin, after attempting to stick his head through some loose boards, managed to get brained by a couple of farmers wielding pruning hooks. Upon reconsidering his strategy and making for the back door, his companion stuck his head through the boards where it got stuck. His friends began to call him Obama-Ears. Two of the goblins managed to enter into the farmhouse through a door and started biting fingers madly. After uttering a singularly bloodthirsty threat, which was translated into the human language through the agency of a ring of human speech, the goblins fell upon the stunned humans and made easy prey of them. They took over a dozen fingers, attempted to have congress with a wench, and dispatch with great abandon two farmers, a housefrau, a wench and a screaming human whelp. The fact that these humans were half-starved and puny made no difference. The brave and mighty goblins were merciless and ferocious. One goblin found a bottle of something strange and immediately quaffed the magic brew. He instantly grew twice his size. Unfortunately, his greasy and disgustingly insufficient loincloth was now useless. After dispatching the humans, the three farmhouse goblins looted the bodies and discovered some gold. They brought home the severed fingers, which made a nice snack for the great and mighty Fuzzbug the Flatulent. Fuzzbug immediately gave the the unusually large and disgustingly nekked goblin the privilege of eating his companions and looting their dead corpses.