Goblin Heroes

Disease and Dragons

The Elves and the Dwarves at War, and Beating Up a Sick Dragon

Tox discovered a lone scout returning to the Warren from his foray into the wilds. The scout informed him that there was a mysterious plume of smoke in the distance, and something that smelled rather delicious. Piquing the curiosity of the daring and intrepid adventuring goblins, Tox and Nox, Wagner Sax and Clot went forward to investigate.

What they discovered was a battlefield littered with dwarves and elves who had done their best to dismember each other with great enthusiasm. Wagner immediately began eating an elf, claiming that it tasted like chicken. Nox, being far more circumspect, investigate a burned-out hovel. Any claims that he was hiding from the sound of approaching leathery wings is surely slanderous. Wagner, using his incredible hiding skills practically disappeared! And then a dragon dropped from the sky.

It was a diseased and pathetic creature, but that didn’t stop our brave adventurers who threw themselves on the mucous-soaked and mangy creature with vicious delight. Wagnerdrew first blood with the precision throw of a deadly shuriken which penetrated the dragon’s eye. But his throw so over-balanced him that he fell onto a dwarf. When he levered himself up, he discovered a scroll. Nox magically forced the creature to the ground after it tried to fly. Tox’s hypnosis dazed the creature, and Clot’s fierce masochism cut furrows into the creature’s diseased hide. The dragon sneezed a furious breath attack that covered Wagner, Tox and Clot in a cloud of sputum. The horrifyingly diseased phlegm knocked Clot into unconsciousness. Wagner dispatched the vile dragon with a killing blow. When the brave heroes wiped off the snot, they discovered that the vile ichor had discolored their skin.

After the battle, the boys looted bodies and discovered very little of value. Wagner gave his scroll to Tox to read. When Tox went to read the scroll, e fell dead after crying out about a pain in his back. Wagner tried to tell Nox that it must have been a cursed killing scroll, but Nox took the scroll anyway. It turned out to be a poorly written scroll of Raise Dead. When Nox used the scroll to resurrect Tox, Tox was indeed healed. But the goblin game bad twisted and evil. Or at least more twisted and evil than he was before. The scroll did not precisely raise dead. It raised Tox as an undead zombie.

The boys also discovered a few items of treasure which they traded amongst themselves. Nox scavenged a small chest with lock and key, as well as some general magical ingredients from the dragon. Tox received a bone from the wing of the dragon which Vorka, the tribe’s shaman, was able to turn into a magic staff of great power. The goblin Paladin sauntered into the scene and scooped up a deed to a wooden building in the city of Aleford, wherever that may be. Clot was able to fashion a dragon tooth into a serrated short sword. Wagner received a hand crossbow with 20 bolts. After bringing the loot and the wounded back to the warren, the goblins tried to return to the battlefield, but found dwarves and elves collecting their dead for burial.

Defending the Warren

King Fuzzbug is Dead! Long Live King Jim Nazium!

Three vile and noisome adventurers invaded the sacred sanctum of the goblins. They were met by an elite squad of goblins. Nox Shuz Fumes, Wagner Sax and three nameless goblin peons dispatched a Dwarven warrior, a human mage and a halfling infiltrator with only insignificant losses. After the battle, the Official State Cook, Wagner Sax prepared a fine feast. The King had a fine gorge on Wagner Sax’s signature dish, a piquant plate of Dwarf Dumplings. Immediately after finishing the fabulous dish, the Great and Dread Fuzzbug the Flatulent retched himself to death, which is, of course, a natural death for Goblin Kings.

The goblin lieutenant, Ghrazdag the Gargantuan made an ill-advised accusation against Nox Fumes, who had been talking in hushed tones with the Great and Mighty Fuzzbug. Nox stuck his thick and fierce nose-picking finger into Ghrazdag’s face and pointed out, quite rightly, that Ghrazdag had the most to gain from the King’s untimely end.

The gobstop of goblins in attendance at the feast, enjoying their halfling surprise, dead goblin delight and hapless human ham sandwiches, were outrage at the accusation against the brave and undeniably large Nox Shus Fumes. The mob voted in usual fashion to depose Ghrazdag by leaping on him and biting him to death, although the killing blow that sent Ghrazdag to meet Maglubiyet was surely delivered by Nox’s dagger blow to the face. Serves the bugger right.

After the carnage was licked up by the noble goblin guests, a quick evaluation led the room to notice that they were without leadership. Nox and Wagner’s suggestion that the lowly cook, Jim Nazium, should be immediately elevated to the proud and cushiony goblin throne, was met with wild cheers and raccous cries of “More Ale!” Ah, yes. Goblin Ale. Stay thirsty, my friend. It’s probably safer than drinking the ale.

The newly promoted King of All the Goblins, King Nazium, promoted Sax to Royal Celebrator Extreme, and the mighty Nox to the position of Royal Toady at Large. These are the two traditional ranks reserved for the greatest of Goblin Heroes, and those worthy advisers to the king.

Long Live King Nazium! Long Live the Mighty Goblins!
Becoming Heroes.
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The Brave and Mighty Raid on Dryditch Farm!

A cluster of goblin whelps chosen by Gharzdag the Brute were brought before the Great and Mighty King of All Goblins, Fuzzbug the Flatulent. Fuzzbug sent the goblin whelps to raid the Dryditch Farm. The goblins made a four-pronged attack on the farm, attacking simultaneously the farmhouse, the barn, the sheep yard and the chicken coop.

The goblins who attacked the chicken coop were the most successful. Using a magic bag of holding (chickens) the psychopathic and ravening goblin whelps bit, stomped and grabbed chickens. The goblins began to hit each other with chickens. The feathers flew, the chicken poop hit everything moving. It was noisome and filthy. One of the goblins managed to find a backpack, just the perfect size for a goblin, with the image of a cute little kitten on it. The goblins had a great time. Upon arrival at the Mighty Den of Ubiquitous Stench, the chickens were devoured raw by the females of the tribe, who were waiting at the door. The female goblins then yoinked the handsomest of the goblins into their harem. The goblin emerged from the harem hours later in a state of near exhaustion, but with a bilious and sloppy smile on his face. When he saw his two companions, he went thoroughly psychopathic and ate them. Of course he took their stuff. He later discovered that the women of the tribe had given him a magic familiar, a most fearsome mount.

The goblins that attacked the barn had the most trouble. After unsuccessfully trying to get a cow to leave with them, they managed to beat the cow to death and drag it off, using a great goblin chant of strength to coordinate their yanks on the poor dead cow’s limbs. All efforts to actually try to get on the horse are better off left untold. Upon arrival back at the Mighty Goblin Den of Ubiquitous Stench, one of the goblins use his Pouch of Spices to add some flavor to the cow. The cow was so magnificently prepared and eaten with such joy and delight, that Fuzzbug the Flatulent instantly killed and ate the previous official cook, and promoted the new cook to the Position of Royal Cook. The newly promoted cook managed to get his two goblin friends jobs in the kitchen in exchange for all their worldly goods.

The goblins that attacked the yard were extremely insightful, at least for goblins. They managed to bite and punch one sheep into unconsciousness before they were rudely interrupted by some drunk human staggering his way to the outhouse. When they all leapt on the human, some of the goblins went into a feeding frenzy and started trying to eat its face on its way down to the ground. When a strumpet entered the fray, the goblins didn’t even have time to notice its female-voluptuousness before the also ate her face. Some of the goblins were able to make off with a living sheep, which the Great and Mighty Fuzzbug killed and ate whole with mint jelly.

The last group of terrible and frightening goblins went into a rage and attacked the farmhouse. One goblin, after attempting to stick his head through some loose boards, managed to get brained by a couple of farmers wielding pruning hooks. Upon reconsidering his strategy and making for the back door, his companion stuck his head through the boards where it got stuck. His friends began to call him Obama-Ears. Two of the goblins managed to enter into the farmhouse through a door and started biting fingers madly. After uttering a singularly bloodthirsty threat, which was translated into the human language through the agency of a ring of human speech, the goblins fell upon the stunned humans and made easy prey of them. They took over a dozen fingers, attempted to have congress with a wench, and dispatch with great abandon two farmers, a housefrau, a wench and a screaming human whelp. The fact that these humans were half-starved and puny made no difference. The brave and mighty goblins were merciless and ferocious. One goblin found a bottle of something strange and immediately quaffed the magic brew. He instantly grew twice his size. Unfortunately, his greasy and disgustingly insufficient loincloth was now useless. After dispatching the humans, the three farmhouse goblins looted the bodies and discovered some gold. They brought home the severed fingers, which made a nice snack for the great and mighty Fuzzbug the Flatulent. Fuzzbug immediately gave the the unusually large and disgustingly nekked goblin the privilege of eating his companions and looting their dead corpses.


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